To some I seem to be happy and seem to be perfectly normal (but what’s normal?) however what goes on in my head is a different story. Basically with medication my symptoms are controlled. However they were adjusted a couple of months ago and I had a bad reaction where I had high pulse so I stopped taking my medication and didn’t seek help.
After a days of days I became a different person making decisions without thinking including saying things without thinking. My head also sounds like a food court at lunch with the amount of information flowing. Another thing is lack of sleep and paranoia.
During this period I made some terrible decisions such as throwing water at someone who didn’t deserve it, saying something about someone I shouldn’t of said at all. And multiple other things.
But with bipolar you also go down and I started to crash with a case of depression. Thinking about what I had done and the awesome people that may not talk to me I decided to go to the hospital so I wasn’t a risk to myself or others around me further.
I have spent a total of 1 months and 2 weeks voluntarily getting help. I wanted to make this post because I wanted this to be on public record which I won’t delete because I want to make a few points.
- I didn’t mean to hurt anyone or make anyone feel unsafe.
- I know the things I did wrong, I did wrong and I acknowledge it.
- It was my fault for not seeking help knowing I had a care plan in place.
- I’m sorry and I hope that I can make things right again with the people I hurt.
I personally know that some of these people will never talk to me again or even want to be in the same room. However I have gotten the help I needed and hope I can build friendships from scratch. Because I fucked up.
I am posting this here as a public apology for those I may of hurt accidentally not thinking straight, and those I know willingly. I also wanted to post this because I know several people that should seek help before they end up in the situation I am in or even worse. Because there are people out there that care and different types of help. Sadly the only way for me is medication.
When I wasn’t taking the medication I was thinking that people would judge me differently or I might turn into a zombie. I’m fully functional and I’m on a medication that I’m comfortable with and I feel as if I am running at a normal level everyone else does (if that exists, might just be my normal).
I might be in hospital for another couple of weeks or even discharged on Monday.